I want my family to be exempt. We deserve to be exempt from pain, don’t we? Has anyone else ever felt that way? Oh I’ve been so angry with God as I watched Kelli receive the news that the identical twin boys she was carrying were in jeopardy. Oh how I and so, so many others prayed for a miracle-but for what? Where was the miracle, God? I did bring myself to ask for His will to be done, believing He could want nothing more than for these babies to grow and be healthy and to serve Him one day, as they would be raised by this beautiful Godly couple. Never did I imagine THIS would be His will.
Why didn’t you spare her the loss of another pregnancy? Why could you not have preserved the life of ONE of the twins? Why did the anguish go on as she waited for these babies to be born and now the constant reminder as the milk comes in?
My faith has been tested and I have failed, at least that’s what I thought. I shared my guilt for my anger and questioning God with a friend and a few family members. I felt like an immature, new believer. I couldn’t cling to “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” Romans 8:28
It was Holy week as Kelli lost the babies and I continued to question God and be angry.
Oh the hurt you feel as a parent when your child goes through this and then I began to read the story of the Garden of Gethsemane as I do each year, bringing everything back into perspective.
Even Jesus went through this, asking: “42 Father, if you are willing, remove this cup from me. Nevertheless, not my will, but yours, be done.” 43 And there appeared to him an angel from heaven, strengthening him. 44 And being in an agony he prayed more earnestly; and his sweat became like great drops of blood falling down to the ground.” (Luke)
Our Father knew the agony of our Kelli, Mike [and ourselves as we heard their anguish and mourned the loss of two grandchildren]. Our father, I know, felt Jesus’s agony like no other-oh how it hurts to be a parent sometimes.
But ALAS, while looking for comfort in the Psalms, I found myself in Psalm 27. In verse 4 it tells us that we are invited to bring our questions into the presence of our Holy One and to inquire of Him. Yes, “inquire” (to ask, make inquiries, question someone, request/solicit information). I think my anger and questioning is what God expects, but He also expects us to trust Him and believe He has done what’s best…..oh my human mind may never comprehend.
We couldn’t be more thankful that God did indeed bring a miracle that Mike could be found and brought back home in time to go through all of this with Kelli. We are thrilled for that miracle. To watch her siblings literally feel the hurt with her and for one to say “I wish it was I going through this, not Kelli”. I love their love for one another.
My anger has subsided though the hurt for my child flows on a regular basis. Those sweet babies are united with a sibling and many other loved ones and spending eternity with Jesus.
As one said, “an angel in the book of life wrote down our babies’ birth, then whispered as she closed the book, Too beautiful for earth.
From Kelli’s heart as she shared their news on Facebook, a true woman of faith (so proud of her)-the nurses posed their hands together) :
“We are completely heartbroken to share that our tiny perfect twin boys went into the arms of Jesus just shy of 16 weeks due to rare complications of their identical twin pregnancy. It is impossible to put into words how we feel right now but we're doing as well as can be expected and are beyond grateful that Mike's command was able to get him home in time for us to face this together. This in itself is a miracle. We cannot thank everyone enough for the prayers and support we've already received. We take joy in knowing we will hold our babies again when we are reunited in heaven."
"I will rejoice and be glad in your steadfast love, because you have seen my affliction; you have known the distress of my soul," Psalm 31:7
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